List: things i didn’t tell my mom

Posted: April 23, 2015 in poker
Tags: ,

Things I Should’ve Said To My Mom
1. I went to Russia & to Paris.   I’d been wanting to go for 20 years, and when I received a partial grant & scholarship I knew it was my one chance.  I didn’t tell her before I left because she would’ve been really worried.  I didn’t tell her when I came back because she would’ve disapproved that I spent the money.  I kept it a secret from her for six years, and then she died.  It was so beautiful.  I never talked to her about it.

2.  You were my Rosie-the-Riveter.  She square danced, built a cabin with my dad, raised sons, played piano, read books.  Really, all my friends loved her.  I should’ve told her more often.  When I was in my  twenties I barely called her.  When I had kids of my own I realized all she’d gone through with me and my brothers, and my dad who had gone senile.  We got a lot closer, but how lonely she must’ve been. Your strength became my strength.

3.  Your stories were excellent. One of my biggest regrets was saying to her “do you have to talk so much?”  My mom talked all the time.  Sometimes it was annoying.  It was selfish of me, as often she had no one to talk to.  Her stories were full of life, funny, interesting, detailed. When she grew up there wasn’t electricity. She could sort of morph one story into the next.  She was an expert at transitions.

4.  You were right.  She was right about the boy I lost my virginity to.  She guessed it.  She said she “didn’t trust him.”  I lied. She probably knew that. She was right about most things.

5. I took some beers from the fridge.  For a slumber party we had in high school. It was gross, we drank them warm. Part B. I later drank too much in college. I don’t think the two are related. Everyone drank.  I suppose that’s how you learn your limits.  You would’ve been embarrassed for me.  Sorry about that.

6.  Thank you for teaching me to play poker.  I should’ve thanked her for letting me stay up late at the cabin with my brothers playing Michigan poker, teaching me to fish, letting me watch The Twilight Zone & Star Trek when I was little, rocking me to sleep when I was sick with asthma and there was no medicine.  Thanks for sticking it out with my dad who was the sweetest man I’ve known.  Thank you for not squashing my creativity and allowing me to be a kid.  Thanks for the worry, I know you loved me.

7.  Goodbye.  I never had the chance to really say goodbye.  Even at the funeral, I was in shock to such an extent, I don’t remember touching your hand, though I know I did. I didn’t want to cry, which was a kind of tribute I made to you.  I counted roses to keep from crying and got through it with your British stiff upper lip.  Goodbye mom.

My mom unexpectedly died in 2007.  For a lot of very complicated reasons, mostly to do with my ex, my divorce, a lack of money and vacation time, I didn’t see her for almost six years before she died, though we Skyped regularly.

rosie

My (ever changing) Bucket list

WSOP ($1000 buy in) in Vegas
Kentucky derby
Kids  to Yellowstone & Mt. Rushmore.
Different trip:  Colorado, the Alfred Packer site. Lake City, CO.  Rock formations there
Hieroglyphs of hands.
Red Rocks concerts – all
Back to St Petersburg to Dostoevsky’s grave
Jim Morrison’s grave/Hunter S Thompsons grave
Oaxaca, day of the dead
Cherry blossoms on the D.C. Mall / the Lincoln monument
River rafting again.
Meet Bob Dylan  – favorite song “buckets of rain”
Do something for charity
Get one of my manuscripts published
Piano lessons
Purchasing power, or If-I-had-the-money list
buy cabin
buy cello for kiddo
send poker player Jack to the bluebird café in Nashville because we’ve written a great song together.
create college fund for kids
Looks like the model for the Rosie-the-Riveter poster died today.

Our lives are intertwined. Coincidence? http://www.cnn.com/2015/04/23/living/rosie-the-riveter-dies/

In Response to: “The Satisfaction of a List.”

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Comments
  1. Jennifer says:

    Beautiful tribute to your Mom. I think she knew even if you didn’t tell her.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. waynemullane says:

    Really touching and honest post. This is a really nice tribute

    Liked by 1 person

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